.tied up.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

last day

tomorrow's the last day of school.
don't even feel a tinge of sadness.
what's wrong with me?
it's all so different from mgs.
i felt sad leaving mgs.
but i don't even feel anything right now.
indifferent?
numb?
i don't know. it's just not the same.
i wake up every morning.
and i don't want to go to school.
the only reason why i drag myself out of bed,
is really cause my brother doesn't let me pon school.
ok.
there are times when i have to come to school,
for tests, duties, rehearsals.
i live so far form school.
travelling drains me.
i don't know if i'll be sad tomorrow.
i keep thinking about what i've gained from ac.
did i gain anything from ac?
i look at my friendships,
what i once thought was important,
what i once thought was strong,
just crumbled right in front of me.
i love council.
but i don't know if i've made close enough friendships within the council.
it's merely hi-byes.
hi inez. hello pedro. gentle smiles.
casual surface conversations.
i don't know.
what have i gained out of the ac experience?
lots of fun?
orientation, passion ac, birthday parties, gatherings...
am i really having fun?
i look at people in school.
that perpectual smile on their faces.
each of them have a bunch of happy friends surrounding them.
a blanket of comfort.
what i thought i had,
doesn't seem to be there anymore.
it's lost its warmth, its thin and it makes me cold.
i look at her, she's got someone else.
i gaze at her, she's moved on.
i try to smile at him, but it doesn't change his mood anymore.
i try to share with her, but she's caught up in doing something else.
recollection of canoeing.
just made me wonder if my teammates were really friends, or people that just happen to be there at that moment and just had to go with the flow.
i wonder about myself.
am i just that drifting person, i view others to be?
i don't even know if i wanna bring my camera to school tomorrow.
what's the point of taking photos?
if it's all gonna be a fake smile plastered on people's faces.
sigh.
sometimes i wonder if i should have even gone to acjc.
what if i went to aussie earlier?
what if i didn't go to either.
where will i be?
sigh. i don't wish to go to school tomorrow.
but i'm going for the sake of obtaining my report book, with my cca records,
so i can photocopy it and send it for certification.
i wonder if going aussie is right too.
i wonder if going uwa is right.
i wonder if doing double major is right.
why can't i just wait a year and enter med school?
i don't know.
i'm just not happy.

[ Jude whispered ][ 9:14 PM ]

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